There are a lot of things that are difficult for me to express in either spoken or written word. This is primarily due to the fact that I’m a relatively private person, some may even consider me a ghost. I’m never found in any pictures, if I move, I typically leave everything behind; I seldom find memories worth remembering and find it easy to move on when I so choose. Therefore this post, was one of those difficult expressions. I’ve had it sitting on the back burner for some time now, a recent blog post by a friend had given me the courage to take it live.
A lot are probably going to question this post, due to the amount of random posts I do, mostly technology related. When I created this site, I did so as a multi-purpose median for a mass of topics. It’s a personal blog, it doesn’t have a designated topic, but will also be taking on editors in the near future to help widen it’s reach. Posts from me will range from deep personal experiences to tech, automotive, or music updates. The fundamentals will always be an array of topics, because it’s what I’m comfortable with. With that being said, I’d like to introduce you to the deep abyss of my mind.
I’ve encountered more internal struggles in my short life span than I can count. I have a big problem with commitment though, which is what I’d like to touch base on with this post, because I know I’m not the only one. The advantage of me concealing my identity enables me to more easily write this, seeing it’s something I’d be less willing to be open about had that not be the case. Past events can’t dictate future experiences, but they can dictate how you react to future situations.
Being close to someone, or something, such as a business, or other situation requiring commitment has never been something I feel comfortable with. I always try to read everyone, and everything at any given time; I do this to attempt to understand someones motives and sincerity. I always have an “exit strategy” per-say which allows me to walk away with no remorse regardless of the outcome of a situation.
A lot of people consider me cold hearted, or heartless because of this. Unfortunately being abandoned, stolen from, and used by my entire family has had it’s negative affects on me. This is why trying to build a personal relationship with me, or attempting to find out details of my life is extremely difficult. I have very few people that I consider a friend, as opposed to an acquaintance, and those few people know the most about me; which to say the least, isn’t a lot. Most of those people learned more about me from reading the mini-autobiography that I have posted on here than they’ve known from years of knowing me.
The big problem with this is when I’m faced with relationships, and also why, although I may have ample opportunities, I typically negate them with my actions, or in-actions. This is something that I’m always questioned about, is commitment issues, which I typically brush away, change the subject, and ignore. It’s not difficult for me to guide a conversation, so it’s something I fall back on when facing a situation I’m uncomfortable with. My mother was the person that raised me, for the most part; at least, before she turned into a psychotic bitch. I think it was at the point she turned her back on me, that influenced my actions when it comes to holding a close relationship with women. When the most influential woman in your life turns their back on you, steals from you, and attempts to ruin your future for years on end, it doesn’t help in future relationships with someone you may be seeking companionship with.
Thankfully, when it comes to business, it’s the one thing that I’m capable of committing to for the most part. I strive off of success and having the ability to prove myself. Seeing I was one of those people that was always told they would never become anything, and also told that I’d never make a dime off of poker; I did both to prove a point, maybe not even to anyone else, maybe just to myself to know that I am capable of doing something I set my mind to. I enjoy working, and furthering myself from a financially free standpoint. As you read in the aforementioned mini-autobiography if you read it, there are many different routes I’ve taken to find success in different areas. Whether that be as a Real Estate entrepreneur, or a drug dealer; I’ve always done everything I could to see the greatest profit, and learn ways of doing things that others wouldn’t consider.
My trust issues play a big factor in this, seeing that’s ultimately what guides a persons ability to commit. If you’re comfortable, it’s because you trust the individual or situation that you’re becoming involved with. I don’t trust anyone, and I doubt that’s something that will ever change. I’ve been that way for the past 10 years; I saw my fathers brother set my father up to get out of a third strike, it’s funny what someone will do, regardless of their relation to you.
This is one of few emo-esque posts that you will see from me; I don’t care what you want to call it, this is one of the few true forms of expression you will see from me. I ultimately wrote this to explain a particular section of this to a specific individual, seeing it wasn’t something I’d just openly say in a conversation, therefore I found this as a more suitable means to address the topic. If they read it or not, it’s irrelevant at this point, it’s been said, which is all that matters.
Back to more enjoyable postings.
Sidebar: My new custom url shortener should be live tomorrow!